Children can recognise fear before they have words for it. A poem and article about domestic violence, safe adults, and helping children recover.
By H.R. Zimmerer
A note about digital safety: If an abusive person monitors family devices, school portals, shared calendars, vehicles, location services, or children’s accounts, seek help from a safer device when possible. Avoid sudden changes that may reveal a plan. The Safety Net Project’s Technology Safety Plan can help families think through technology-related risks.
Read the poem as text
Children do not need to see the storm to know it is inside the house. They hear it in a cupboard closing. In footsteps crossing the hall. In the silence after a name is spoken. They learn who needs protecting. When to become small. When to become funny. When to need nothing at all. Then one safe adult believes them. Names what happened without asking them to carry it. Says: this was not your fault. You were never responsible for the weather adults made. And slowly, the child learns that love does not require fear to live in the same room.
H.R. Zimmerer
Children Know More Than Adults Often Realise
Children do not have to witness a physical assault to be affected by domestic violence.
They may hear threats through a wall, see a parent frightened, notice injuries, lose sleep during arguments, be used to carry messages, watch money and movement being controlled, or feel the entire household reorganise itself around one person’s reactions. They may know something is wrong long before they have language for it.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network explains that children exposed to intimate partner violence can respond in many different ways. Some become anxious, aggressive, withdrawn, watchful, or unusually responsible. Some have trouble sleeping, concentrating, learning, trusting, or regulating strong emotions. Others show few visible signs. There is no single correct presentation.
These responses are not character defects. They are adaptations to an environment that has not felt reliably safe.
Children often take on jobs that were never theirs
A child may try to protect a parent or sibling. They may distract the abusive adult, keep younger children quiet, monitor moods, conceal family problems, or become exceptionally well-behaved so they do not add pressure. Another child may act out because distress has nowhere else to go.
Adults sometimes praise the “mature” child without seeing the burden beneath the competence. A child who never asks for anything may not be unusually independent. They may have learned that having needs is dangerous or that the adults already have too much to manage.
Children may also love the parent who is causing harm. They may miss that parent, defend them, fear them, and feel furious with them at the same time. Forcing a child into a simple emotional position can make them feel more alone. Their mixed feelings are not disloyalty to the survivor. They are part of being attached to a complicated person.
The non-abusive parent is not responsible for the violence
It is important not to shift blame onto the survivor for what children have experienced. The responsibility belongs to the person choosing to use abuse.
Survivor-parents often make constant, unseen efforts to reduce harm. They may absorb threats, maintain routines, preserve school attendance, provide comfort after frightening incidents, and calculate the safest moment to seek help. Leaving may involve serious risks related to custody, housing, finances, immigration, disability, or escalation.
Support should increase the survivor’s options, not judge them for constraints created by the abusive person.
What helps children recover
Children are not doomed by what they have experienced. The NCTSN notes that many children are resilient, especially when they have access to safe, caring adults and appropriate support.
Helpful responses include:
- believing the child without pressing for details they are not ready to share
- clearly stating that the violence was not their fault
- making it explicit that they were not responsible for stopping it
- keeping routines predictable when possible
- allowing age-appropriate choices that restore a sense of control
- avoiding the use of children as messengers or sources of information
- not criticising them for loving or missing the abusive parent
- seeking a trauma-informed professional who understands domestic violence
- creating a child-specific safety plan with an advocate
A safety plan should be age-appropriate. Children can learn how to contact a trusted adult or emergency services, where to go during danger, and that their job is to seek safety rather than physically intervene. Details should be developed carefully so the plan itself does not create additional risk if discovered.
One safe relationship can matter enormously
A trustworthy adult cannot undo what happened. But they can give a child a different experience of relationship: one in which words are believed, boundaries matter, affection is not withdrawn as punishment, and adult problems remain the responsibility of adults.
That is not a small gift. It teaches the child that fear is not the price of belonging.
Resources
- Immediate danger in the United States: Call 911 if it is safe to do so.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org, 24/7. Advocates can help develop plans that include children.
- Child trauma information: Read the NCTSN overview of the effects of intimate partner violence on children and its IPV resource collection.
- Safety planning: Use the Hotline’s Plan for Safety resources.
- Teen relationship support: love is respect offers 24/7 support at 866-331-9474, by texting LOVEIS to 22522, or through online chat.
- Legal information involving children and custody: Visit WomensLaw.
- Technology safety: Use the Safety Net Project’s survivor resources.
- Deaf and hard-of-hearing survivors and families: Contact the Deaf Hotline at 855-812-1001.
- Native American and Alaska Native survivors and families: Contact StrongHearts Native Helpline at 844-762-8483.
- Outside the United States: Search Find A Helpline for verified local services.
This article is educational and is not legal, medical, or emergency advice.
Support resources and contact details checked on 10 November 2026.
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